Thursday, September 30, 2010

Negatives Negatives

I am 8dp5dt from FET and still had a BFN this morning and evening. I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier in my chest. The reality of this being my last shot is sinking in and the reality of it most likely being a failed cycle.

Today was a rough day with Julian. He forgot he had football practice and didn't show up yesterday. I had a long conversation with two of his coaches that are not happy with him. Julian is the quarterback of his team and has not been throwing as well, running as fast, or been as fearless as he was (which was never that fearless anyway) since he was sick. I realize that most of the coaches don't understand that Julian lives with the knowledge that he may get sick again and there is a level of uncertainty about his future. That's quite a load for a 12 year old to carry. Let's not forget the waking up from a coma, not being able to walk or feed yourself and realizing that you missed a month of your life. This was only a few months ago. It's amazing that he is playing at all.

So, part of me gets angry that he just isn't trying that hard and he isn't focused and the other part of me feels angry with the coaches for not understanding. Then there's the part of me that feels bad for the coaches because they want to play Julian but he isn't making it easy.

Julian was a star quarterback that is a talented player, as I am told. So, their expectations are high. Maybe it was too soon for him. Maybe it was too soon for this FET. Why does everything feel like such a conflict for me. The only time that I don't feel conflicted is when I have the baby in my arms. Then, I just feel happy and thankful. I wonder if I will ever be able to look at Julian and not have this intense fear of "what if he gets sick again?" in my chest. Will I ever look at him and not feel the pain of almost losing him?

I am not sure that I can handle a negative beta. It's lost cord blood, last chance, lost embryo/baby. My beta is next Wednesday and my mind will be going nuts until then.


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