Conclusion to IVF cycle #2

I received my beta results yesterday....and they were in fact a negative. I fully expected that. I began to POAS early on with all negative results. I still don't regret doing that because it allowed me to grieve prior to getting that phone call with the negative beta results. Even so....it was pretty painful. I had to leave work because I just couldn't stop crying.

I really felt that if anyone touched me...I would totally lose control with the crying. On the flip side...I felt that if anyone said "well, at least you already have kids" I would have punched them. So, it was definately better for me to leave work and spend sometime with just myself.

My insurance didn't cover any of the IVF...it was all an out of pocket expense for us. I wish that we could try again but we just can't take out another loan. Therefore, we have decided to go ahead an go for a tubal reversal. We will be doing some research on it and then making an appointment with more than one doctor and getting some more information. After that...we will make our final decision about going ahead with it or letting go of this dream.

Our insurance will completely cover the reversal and if after two years of trying I don't get pregnant...then they will cover IVF.

12dp3dt

I haven't tested myself today but I am pretty confident that it is and will remain negative. As of last night....all of my POAS were BFN. My official beta is this Friday and I expect that to be negative. I don't think that I am being negative....just realistic.

I suppose now we are left to decide on a tubal reveral or to accept that it just isn't going to happen. Usually, a few days after getting your negative result from the fertility clinic, they call to set up an appointment for a follow up. At that time, I imagine we will be asked to be referred to the ONE doctor at Shady Grove Fertility that still does tubal reversals. I imagine that my husband and I will meet with him for some further information so that we can decide.

My husband is inclined at this point to let it go and I really don't know how I feel yet. I am just numb.

8 1/2 dp3dt

I am getting technical here with the 8 1/2....However, I had my egg retrieval at 4pm and then 3 days later my transfer at 6:30pm. Therefore, this morning it would make me 8 1/2dp3dt. I did POAS, using the "good" kind First Response and got a BFN. I literally felt sick to my stomach wth sadness. Now a little bit of bitterness is settling in. The realization that it really does take money to have a baby. There is a roughly 67% chance of getting pregnant with each try of IVF...the more times that you can try....the more chance you have of getting pregnant. We could only afford to get a loan out for two tries. Therefore, it is looking like we will not be having a baby.

It would be easier for me to let go of the pain if I knew that I wasn't having a baby because my body simply couldn't regardless of how many times I tried. However, that isn't true. That is the hardest part for me at this time.

I looked at the website Betabase.info at the average beta's on several women for different days. These are based on 3 day transfers: 8 dpt - 28, 9dpt - 48 and 10dpt - 79. I tried to grasp at some hope by realizing this morning when I tested I would be not quite 9 dpt and maybe a beta in the 20's just wouldn't register on a HPT. Deep in my heart I am not too hopeful about that one.

This Christmas is going to stink. I have to finish my Christmas shopping today and I work a 12 hour shift in the ER tomorrow and then an 8 hour day at a clinic on Monday, Christmas Eve....before heading to my husband's sister's house for Christmas. I know that someone (many someones) are going to ask me how it went with this IVF and I think I might fall apart. I guess there isn't much that I can do about that.

4dp3dt/No embies to freeze

I found out today that the remaining embryos did not make it to blasts.

I felt torn with sadness and fear of the underlying relief that was there. If I am pregnant with this cycle....I really wouldn't have wanted any left over. To have frozen embryos would have added another $1,800 for us to come up with (during Christmas) which would have stressed us. Also, it would have left us with two options. Option 1: donate them to another couple or Option 2: dicard them. My husband and I could never discard and embryo...so it left us stuck with donating them and that would have haunted me. I would have wondered forever...what that child looked like and was he/she like myself or my husband, would they long for me. I guess we could have paid to keep them frozen forever.

The flip side is....if this cycle doesn't work...I am all out of tries.

3dp3dt

So far, so good. I have tried not to think about my beta (pregnancy test) but it does creep into my head at some point during the day.

I have had the typical symptoms that come with the estrogen shot that trick your mind into thinking that you are pregnant: sore boobs and cramping

I was trying to remember when embryos implant...I think that it is on day 5 or 6 from fertilization. Today would be day 6 for me.

Transfer

My transfer went much more smoothly than last time. I had my transfer yesterday at 6pm.

Last time I was asked to drink 2 (16 ounce ) bottles of water on the way to my transfer. When you get there you have to wait 30 minutes before you start the transfer. By the time they started last time....I was crying in pain from my bladder being ready to burst! The transfer was more painful than any shot or cramping that I had through out the process. They also ask that you lay there for a while after the transfer...I bolted up and ran (butt hanging out and all) to the bathroom and then cried because I felt like I ruined my procedure.

This time....I drank one bottle of water on the way there. I strongly suspect that because of the gastric bypass...water dumps into my bladder quicker and therefore I can't tolerate holding it as much. I also relieved myself briefly (they asked me to count to 10 and stop the stream) prior to the transfer. It still hurt and the sonogram person told me that I my bladder was completely full but it was tolerable. I had to take my mind far away and still wanted to cry. I also asked the doctor to catherize me right afterwards.

Unfortunately, I found out AFTER my last experience...that they could catherize you right after the procedure. This time, I asked right away and he did. I felt instant relief and was able to lay there afterwards and bask in my thoughts of possibly being pregnant.

I am headed to a Christmas dinner for work tonight. My doctor said that it would be ok as long as I stayed in bed today, sat at dinner the whole time and came back to bed. They ask that you do 24 hours of bedrest and then 3 days of light activity. I have to say...I am already feeling guilty about going to dinner.

Sorry...if there are typos.....I am in a rush.

Tomorrow is my transfer...

Well, it looks like it will be a 3 day transfer for me again. I tried not to be as disappointed but it is building up again....the disappointment.

The nurse mentioned that the doctor wants to put back 3 embryos. I am not sure how to feel about that. I really want to do every possible thing to increase my odds but I don't think that I could handle triplets. Financially it would be a huge drain and of coarse I can't deny my fears of the health risks that exist with premature babies. I could handle twins but triplets is pushing it. Then, I feel guilty because I wouldn't just happily accept whatever God gives me. Starting out with debt from IVF is causing me stress about the finances that come with a baby.

Tomorrow I am supposed to talk to the doctor in the morning about how many embryos to put back in. I am afraid that it won't work at all and it depresses me and then I think what if all three took and then I feel overwhelmed. I am sure that the hormones are having a part in my emotions.

As of this morning....I still had 5 embryos. Two were at 4 cells, two were at 2 cells and one was at 5 cell. From my understanding...the uneven cell count ones aren't preferred and the ones that are at 2 cells....clearly aren't thriving. The perfect thing would be to have 8 cell embryos on a 3 day transfer.

So, tomorrow at 5:30am I have to be there for a 6pm transfer.

I meant to write egg retrieval at 3:45 pm

Egg Retrieval and Fertilization Report

My egg retrieval was yesterday at 3:34pm. Everthing went smoothly. I was pretty sore and groggy....as well are really nauseated afterwards. I woke up still a little sore today and not quite feeling right yet.

They retrieved 9 eggs, all were mature this time. 7 fertilized (with ICSI) and of those....2 didn't make it today, the other 5 are in their first stage of development. I will find out tomorrow if it will be a 3 or 5 day transfer.

Comparison Chart

Sorry about the comparison chart....it didn't come out how I typed it. You have to read through it to figure it out. I had typed the info from cycle #1 to the left and cycle #2 to the right...it didn't seperate it.

IVF #2/ Final Stim Check

These are the stats from my last stimulation monitoring: estrogen 3,905 and my follicle measurements were 2 at 23mm, 1 at 20mm, 1 at 19mm, 2 at 18mm, 2 at 17mm, 1 at 16mm and 1 at 14.4mm.

I am pretty amazed by these measurements. The "iffy" ones caught up. All except for one (14.5mm).

This is a comparison chart from IVF #1 to IVF#2:

IVF #1 IVF #2

stim day 4 - estrogen 80 stim day 4 - estrogen 154
follicles all <10mm follicles all <10mm

stim day 6 - estrogen 160 Stim day 6 - estrogen 362
follicles all <10mm follicles btwn 10-11mm (some <10mm)

stim day 8 - estrogen 452 Stim day 8 - estrogen >800
follicles btwn 10-13mm follicles btwn 10-12mm

stim day 10 - estrogen 950 Stim day 10 - estrogen 1222
follicles btwn 12-18mm follicles btwn 9-17mm

stim day 11 - estrogen 1150 Stim day 11 - estrogen 1830
follicles btwn 16-20mm follicles btwn 9-18mm

Trigger day - estrogen 1821 Trigger day - estrogen 3,905!!!
follicles btwn 16-21mm follicles btwn 14-23mm
trigger time 1:15am trigger time 2:45am

Egg Retrieval - 6 eggs retrieved TBA
4 mature
2 fertilized
3 day transfer of 2 embryos
Negative pregnancy test

IVF #2/Stim check 7

Here are my stats: estrogen at 1830. Follicles - 2 at 18.9mm, 1 at 17.9mm, 1 at 16.9mm, 1 at 15.7mm, 1 at 14.5mm, 3 at 13mm, 1 at 12mm, 1 at less than 10mm. Based on this, it looks like 5 at good, 1 is "iffy" and the rest are not likely viable. I have one more night of stim meds tonight and it looks like I will trigger tomorrow and have my egg retrieval Monday.

BECAUSE....I said that I wasn't feeling much of anything yesterday....today, I began to feel uncomfortable. It wasn't too bad...just a bloated, achiness, pressure. My doses are staying the same tonight...which is 6 vials of meds! I made the menopur more concentrated by putting two vials into one shot. However, that still leaves me with 5 shots.

My thighs are so sore and bruised. I don't like using my belly because I have concerns about the absorption due to the excess skin post gastric bypass. It isn't too bad but still notable.

I look forward to removing all of that after having a baby.

IVF #2/ Stim check 3-6

Stim check 3 : my estrogen was greater than 800 and my follicles were measuring between 10-12mm. There were some still under 10. I am returning everyday now for monitoring. This where it kind of becomes a pain in the butt and you begin to want it over.

Stim check 4: Their computers were down and I was unable to get any information. The nurse called me with my dosing information which was decreased to menopur 112 and gonal f at 300 due to my estrogen level rising. There was concern because my estrogen level was rising quickly but my follicles weren't catching up.

Stim check 5: My estrogen level was at 1,222 today. These are my follicle measurements - 1 at 17mm, 1 at 16.8mm, 1 at 15.8mm, 1 at 15mm, 1 at 14mm....Then I have the "iffy" group - 3 at 12mm.....and the "probably won't make it group" - 1 at less than 10mm and 2 at 10mm.

My dosing was increased to 300 of menopur and 3o0 of gonal f. I started the ganirelix yesterday and will take it every night until I trigger.

I was told that I will have one or two more days of stimulation (counting today)...then trigger day. So, it looks like these eggs are coming out Sunday or Monday. There is not a good chance that the 3 smaller follicles will be mature. The "iffy" group might have a chance at being mature. The first group is looking pretty good. This, again puts me at a lower egg count....so, I am feeling some disappointment set in. However, I do realize that it only takes one good one.

The clinic that I go to uses this as a rule for egg retrieval....3 follicles measuring 18mm and appropriate estrogen level (100-200 per follicle). Follicles grow one to two mm per day. Mature follicles measure between 16-22mm. They are using ICSI and assisted egg hatching this time. This will increase my chances at getting pregnant, giving me the most opportunities.

I must say...I am still not feeling much of anything. During the last IVF cycle....at this point I felt a lot of bloating and pressure. I feel more emotional but that could be the effects of two cycles back to back. My thighs are pretty sore and have several bruises. I prefer my thighs for these subcutaneous injections.

IVF #2 / Stim check #2

My estrogen level is continuing to rise nicely. Today it was 362. I still had 11 visible follicles. Some were measuring at 10mm, one at 11mm and the rest still less than 10mm. I return for my next stim check on Tuesday (the day after tomorrow).

I am not really feeling much of anything besides cravings. I can't remember when exactly did I begin to feel pressure and uncomfortable last time. I know that the last 3 days weren't so comfortable.